i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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