I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
