well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
