God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you had me at cake vodka
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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