meet me or not, i'm out of control
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
