Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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