Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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