I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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