You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
