i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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