thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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