When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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