You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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