I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
