cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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