6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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