i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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