her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
