I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
