Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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