Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
