first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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