He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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