I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
