Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize