he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
