You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
