You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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