franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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