that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
