Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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