I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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