I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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