i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
