only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize