My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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