can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You're like the curious george of whores
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
