i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
