where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
