you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
