You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
