I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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