I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You made out with two different species that night
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
there is glitter all over my balls
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