bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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