he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
