Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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