The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize