I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
