I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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