no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
