I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
