my phone needs a breathalizer
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
