when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
