Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
