You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
