I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
