I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
