My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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