there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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