we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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