Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
