Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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