i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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