You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
