It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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