I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
