Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
