He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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