I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
